Love and Limits

Hospitality isn’t all sweetness and light.  Mark came in for a shower at Manna House today.  But he was drunk.  So I had a short conversation with him, and not one that was pleasant for him or for me.

“Mark, we can’t let you shower today.”

“Why not?”

“You’ve been drinking.”

“I’ve had some, but I’m ok.”

“No.  You’re not ok.  You can’t shower here today.  You’re not steady on your feet.  You could fall in the shower, and that wouldn’t be good for you or for us.”   

“Please.  I’m dirty and I don’t smell very good.”

“Not today.  You need to be sober to shower here.”

“I’m just feeling it some from last night.  I’m ok.”

At this point I remembered some advice from someone, “Never argue with a drunk.”

“Mark, you need to go.  You’re welcome here when you’re sober.”

Mark left and as he did my heart ached for him.  He struggles mightily with alcohol.  He has come to Manna House many times sober.  And when he does he’s a quiet and pleasant person.  Even when he’s not sober he’s still quiet and pleasant; just not very steady on his feet.  And my heart aches because I know that even if there comes a day when Mark seeks help for his alcoholism he’ll find treatment programs are few and far between and often have a long waiting list.

I didn’t want Mark to fall in the shower, like he did once before when he was drunk but had been let into shower.  I also was reflecting Manna House policy.  We try not to allow drunk or high persons in for hospitality.  Our experience is that when people are drunk or high the possibility increases that arguments or even fights will take place.  Manna House seeks to offer sanctuary, a peaceful place for people to be without being hassled by persons whose personalities have been altered by drugs or alcohol.

            So, I said “no” to Mark.  And he went away.  His next opportunity to shower at Manna House will be Monday.  Four more days in the clothes he had on will not be pleasant for him, to say the least.

            Because the hospitality we offer at Manna House is shaped by a conviction of welcoming our guests with love, our saying “no” must be framed by love.  In the Christian tradition there has been a long argument about the nature of Christian love.  Is it self-sacrificing with no regard for one’s own well being?  Or is it self-sacrificing for the sake of building a community of mutual well being?  For us it is the latter.  We accept that the love we try to practice accepts some degree of limits and boundaries.  We accept that we have expectations for each other, guests and volunteers alike, and to violate those expectations has consequences.  Love doesn’t mean anything goes; it means seeking the good of each person so that a community of mutual respect can develop.

            To practice that love means Mark does not get to shower when he shows up drunk.  It means saying “no” with some gentleness and ongoing respect for Mark and his struggle. It also means we’ll continue to offer a shower to Mark and not hold today against him.  He’s welcome on Monday, if he’s sober.