Asking a Guest to Leave

Asking a Guest to Leave

I had to ask Mark and Michael to leave Manna House this morning.  Mark was asking inappropriate questions and making inappropriate comments.  Michael had begun to swear at other guests and use vulgar language.  They each struggle with mental illness.  They each became disruptive at different times during the course of the morning.  Michael left quietly; he will be welcomed back tomorrow.  Mark left after he poured some coffee on the back of another guest.  He is not welcome to come back for one month. 

We can go along for quite a while without having to ask anyone to leave and then two are asked in one morning.

            I find that asking a guest to leave is never easy.  Like other volunteers at Manna House, I ask a guest to leave only after repeated attempts to get the guest to stop whatever he or she is doing that is harming the practice of hospitality at Manna House.  Usually that harm involves the guest saying or doing something to another guest or a volunteer that is denigrating or threatening.  This morning both Mark and Michael were warned several times about their language, and when they did not stop, they were asked to leave.

            Our experience at Manna House shows that an early intervention can prevent the escalation of inappropriate words or actions into more and more unease on the part of other guests; and that unease can sometimes boil over into a fight.  A guest who cooperates and goes when asked is welcomed back the next day we are open.  A guest who does not cooperate may not be welcomed back for several days, a week or more, or sometimes a month or more.

            Before a guest is welcomed back, either I or another volunteer will try to have a conversation with them about what they did, why they were asked to leave, and if they are now prepared to return.  With someone who is very mentally ill this conversation may not take place or may be very brief.  On a few rare occasions, a guest has not been welcomed back because the guest could never admit to doing anything harmful. 

            What vision guides our asking guest to leave or welcoming them back?  We are grounded in the vision that offering hospitality requires a peaceful and orderly place.  Hospitality cannot be offered if there is danger and fear and too much disorder.  Hospitality requires sanctuary.  When is sanctuary violated?  When is there danger and fear?  What is too much disorder?  When guests or volunteers have their dignity as human beings violated or they fear for their safety, or when language or actions make guests or volunteers uneasy, anxious, or unsafe, then hospitality is not possible.  So, when harmful words are said or a fight breaks out or weapons displayed, a guest or guests will be asked to leave.

            Very rarely a guest who has been asked to leave will refuse to leave.  Then we announce that we are shutting down all of Manna House because this particular guest will not leave.  The pressure from the other guests almost always works to get the disruptive guest to leave.  When it doesn’t, we simply shut down and everyone leaves.  This has happened only very rarely.  We never call the police as the police would only escalate the conflict and lead to deepening confrontation.  The police bring weapons and coercive power of the state.  Neither of those help to diffuse conflict or move people in conflict away from Manna House.

            So, asking a guest to leave is finally about the respect for human dignity and the boundaries that are needed to practice hospitality.   Hospitality has to reflect that basic respect for each other’s dignity as humans in order to practice welcome.  And there has to be an “in” into which people can be welcomed.  There can be no “in” without expectations for how we will treat each other in a this space.

            Michael will come back tomorrow.  Hopefully he will be able to make it through the whole morning.  Mark will likely not come back.  Hopefully he will come back in a month.